So Hard

I warn you now; this is probably going to be a long personal post, with no pictures.

At the end of April/beginning of March, as my surgery approached, I decided not to do birth control, because if I was put on an antibiotic by the surgeon, it would ruin that month anyway. After my surgery and recovery, I just never picked it up. Rob asked about it once or twice, and we kind of decided that if a baby happened, it happened. So we went on without it. In June, I thought I was pregnant, but after a test, I learned I wasn’t. It was a really sad night for me.

Fast forward to August. I went to my yearly appointment, and my doctor asked about birth control. I told him that we were had not been using any since April/March. This seemed to raise some red flags for him. (The reason I decided to be on the birth control I was, was because of the high chance of pregnancy the month after you stopped it.) The doctor decided to do a blood test.

A week or so after my doctor apt, the office called and said that I don’t ovulate, or hadn’t in the last 6 or so months, and he recommended Clomid. However, the doctor wouldn’t start it until he could meet with both Rob and I, and talk to us about the stats, risks, etc. When I told Rob this he said “I knew something was wrong with one of us since we were not pregnant yet.” Due to Rob’s work schedule, he couldn’t go unless it was a Friday. My doctor only works every 4-6 Fridays. Our appointment was 9/23. I was told that this apt would just be us sitting in the doctor’s office, talking about stats, risks, things to do and not due while on the Clomid, and then get a referral for Rob to get tested. I got to the apt a little early, and they took me right back. They told me that they had to do an exam and make sure there are no cysts before they can start the Clomid. As I changed and waited for Rob and the doctor, I just started crying. I couldn’t handle having one more thing stand in our way of this. The doctor did find a cyst during his exam, and he thought it was about 8CM on my right ovary. He sent us to get an ultrasound right away, due to the size just to be sure that’s all it was. We were lucky enough to get into the ultrasound that afternoon. It was fun in the ultrasound. Rob asked a lot of questions, and our tech was WONDERFUL, she explained everything to us, and then explained what to expect if/when it ruptured. And the signs to watch for that would mean a trip to the ER. When we left the hospital, I was DRAINED. I think I slept for pretty much the whole night starting at 6PM.

The doctor’s office called me last night, and told me what they found with the ultrasound, which is basically, it’s full of blood and puss, and when it ruptures, it will be very painful, but they are not overly worried. I have a follow up appointment with him on 10/20, and then we will do another ultrasound in 6-8 weeks to make sure it goes away. Then we can start moving forward in this process.

This whole thing has been super hard for me. I have ALWAYS wanted kids, so it only makes sense that I want it even more now that I have been married. I feel really inadequate through all this, and I feel like I should be able to do this, after all, this is what my body was made to do. To keep up with the new theme I’m doing on my blog (If you didn’t catch it, I’m sure you could go back the past few posts, and other places on my blog and see the theme) but the title for this blog is a song called “So Hard” by Dixie chicks. There is a line that I really like in it, it goes:

“It felt like a given, something a woman’s born to do. A natural ambition, to see a reflection of me and you. And I’d feel so guilty if that was a gift I couldn’t give. And could you be happy, if life wasn’t how we pictured it? And sometimes I just want to wait it out, and prove everybody wrong. And I need your help to move on Cause you know it’s so hard, it’s so hard, it’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy.”